Monday

Dear V,

So I've been in a dark place all day today. It's a place I haven't been to since high school. A place I had been in when I had decided to take that road trip alone a few years back. Its a lonely place. Because no one can let you out except yourself. And all it takes is a little help, a little booster, but all I have is the desire to self destruct.

There's a scene in fight club when after Edward Norton finishes beating the shit out of Jared Leto, brad pitt asks him, "where'd you go psycho boy?"

and Norton says, "I wanted to destroy something beautiful.".....

Yeah, its kind of like that. There's a song in there that is haunting and repetitive called "where's my mind" by the pixies. Its short of like that.

I don't like showing this side of me to you. But I need to get it out or it will consume me inside. Some days I can't bear to talk to you because you might mention him. I have grown so sick and tired of listening to you talk about him. When will it ever end. He doesn't love you the way I do. He never will.

I just didn't expect what happened yesterday. We were together 10 years. We were happy for at least 8 of those years, right? I held you, I loved you, I told you my secrets and you told me yours. And now you have known him for merely months, and it sounds as if you have forgotten me and everything I am. What are you doing to me? What did I do to deserve this torture? Do you really compare your feelings for him to the love we shared? How can you? I feel at times, I no longer know who you are.

I've made my apologies for my mistakes. But I didn't expect you to be so blatant about your feelings for another person. I explained to you that I can't move out there. I miss you in ways I cannot began to explain and I will visit sometimes but I have too much here. The house, my business, my families business, my property, my whole family. I need you to come home to me. I need to have you in my arms. The dark place goes away when I think of you here. It makes me smile and happy again. It makes me want to erase everything I wrote here and just leave you a simple note on how much my heart aches for you: "Morning without you, is dwindled dawn."

I thought I could come out on Friday, but now, I don't think I should. I don't think I can. Seeing you with him would be too much. The feelings of rage inside me are too much to control. I can't go through that pain. I can't do it. I think it is best if I just stay home. Maybe we can see each other some other time. I'm sorry. Tell my son I love him. Tell him I am sorry.

Love,
Me

Tuesday

Dear L,

I'm sorry. Please don't change your mind. Please come. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say the things I did. I know you hate it when I talk about him. I know that it bothers you. I just don't have anyone in my life right now to talk to and I thought it would be ok. I don't know why I was being so stupid. Please forgive me. Please come.

Please don't let our friendship go down the drain because I was stupid. I didn't mean to be. Don't I get any credit for being drunk? Drunk and heartbroken? Its not a good combination. I just wanted someone to talk to. I didn't think I would be risking our friendship. I didn't think that hard. I never do.

I asked J to go get you and bring you out here even if it means beating you over the head and driving your unconscious body out here.

I just don't know what the solutions to all my problems are anymore. And every time I start to figure one out, another one rears its ugly head. I'm trying to grow and get everything together. I'm trying so hard. You always seem to have everything figured out. When we were still together, you always got what you needed without ever really asking. I loved that, but now, because you always took care of it all, I don't know how. And it is frustrating. I want to be so perfect, I want to prove to the world that I can do it. And yet I feel like a failure in so many ways.

Please come. I promise I won't talk about him anymore. If not for me then do it for your son.

Love,
Me

Wednesday

Dear V,

I thought about it for awhile and J and I talked. I guess I will come down Friday. J is going to be coming with me. She wants to see you too. Sorry such a short email, I have to head off to work.

Love,
Me

Wednesday

Dear L,

I am glad that you decided to drive out here for Friday. It will be good for all of us to get together and be a family again, even if it is only for a few hours.

I'm listening to a band called "the tiny" right now. It is a female vocalist. Their music is haunting. really minimal and dark. Heres some lyrics,


"Now I'm thinking maybe I was stoned
I felt my feet lift off the ground
And my heart was screaming
And my bones
I need you closer

As he's in the middle of the street
Then I pretend he's mine to keep
Cars are running fast on both sides of his head
His eyes are "closer"

Closer closer

I met him when the sun was down
The bar was closed
We both have had no sleep
My face beneath the street lamp
It reviews what it is
lonely people seek

Closer closer

Closer closer

Then you're close enough to lose
Close to the point where you know that your mind
It cannot choose
Close enough to lose
Close enough to lose
Your heart

Now I'm thinking maybe I was stoned
I felt my feet lift off the ground
And my heart was screaming
And my bones
I need you closer

Closer closer

He met me when the sun was down
The bar was closed
We both have had no sleep
My face beneath the street lamp
It reviews what it is
lonely people seek

Closer closer
Closer closer

Then you're close enough to lose
Close to the point where you know that your mind it cannot

Choose
Close enough to lose
Close enough to lose
Your heart"

It's pretty isn't it? I heard this voice coming from this girls walkman while sitting at Starbucks the other day. I found myself moving closer to her so I can listen more. Eventually I asked her for the name and as soon as she told me I went to the nearest cd store to find it. Of course they didn't have it. I was late for work because I had to go to three other stores and finally found it in some tiny little place where the cashiers are all snobby and holier than thou.

I find, I am of all things, close enough to loose. I'd like to choose but what do we do. The mind stumbles and the heart continues on. Beating. My words stumble upon the pages like thoughts upon your day. I let you go. I had hoped you would realize how much you missed me. I told myself I wouldn't wait for you. I told myself I wouldn't love you ever again.

Theres this line in "Sex and the City" that has stuck with me for a long time... when the leading lady is alone, and she says, "the loneliness is palpable". I understand that now. It hurts in ways I never thought it would. I am, besides everything else, in a lonely state of mind. I wish I had someone to call my own. Perhaps this is the reason why I see him. The reason why I struggle with my love for him. He is there for me in ways that you never were.

Maybe I'll wake up early and watch the sun rise tomorrow. Maybe I'll think of things that could have been. Maybe I'll imagine things that could be.

Love,
Me

Thursday

Dear V,

I dreamed of you last night. It scared me how vivid my dream was. Once I awoke I found myself reaching over to you, searching for your warm body, and only finding the edge of the bed. Laying there in the bed my eyes adjusting, I felt them filling with tears as the realization of reality slowly sank in. God, I miss you. I hoped, begged, and pleaded to hear our sons voice as I laid there. I needed to hear him, even if it was just noise. I needed that comfort. I needed some kind of comfort. I hate these dreams. There are so beautiful and real and I am so happy in them, and then when I awake it is this hell that I must live in. This hell that I have been thrown into. How has it come to this? Why has it come to this? Why has love forsaken me?

It was in mammoth. The dream. Remember when we went to mammoth mountain to go snow skiing with the family? And we stayed in the condo by the slopes? It was there. I think. You know how dreams are. It felt like I was there and yet a lot of the things in my dream I didn't recognize. I could feel the cold. I could feel the warmth inside me when we wrestled in the snow. I could hear our son crying when he held onto the snow for too long and froze his fingers. I could hear your laughing as we played to cheer him up again. It was all so real. Why does this happen? Why must I wake up? If I must dream I wish you were not in them. It makes life unbearable.

I lay in bed for hours at a time trying to figure out how to fix things. Maybe tomorrow when I see you I can fix things. Maybe tomorrow you will come home. Please come home. I need you here.

I have to go finish packing now. I'll probably leave in the morning and be there by noon.

Love,
Me

Saturday

Dear L,

It was so nice to see you. It was hard to watch you go. I know that our son was upset when you had to leave again. He will be extremely happy when you take him for awhile. I know he misses you deeply. I'm glad you liked the park and the house. It isn't much but it is a safe place, and it is a clean place. A good place to start over.

The weather was actually perfect when you were here. The whole week it had been windy and raining. The whole week we had all been stuck inside. Then you showed up and everything just went away. Such luck you seem to have. I wish you could have stayed longer, but I have to go to work early tomorrow and I know our son was worn out from chasing you around the park all day. I haven't seen him so happy and excited in a long time. A part of me thought that there would be a transition period, since he is so shy with new people. But a part of me knew that he would be ok. You're his dad. Kids just don't forget who their parents are I guess no matter how young.

I know that you want me to move back with you, but right now I don't think that is a good idea. I have my home here, my job here, and my friends are here. Uprooting my life right now isn't the best thing for me. I just got settled in and am starting to get use to the hustle and bustle of it all. I've met a bunch of good friends out here. He lives here. I can't just leave him. He was here for me when you weren't.

I know you don't like him. Of all the conversations that we have had you always seem to take the time to express your disgust of my interest in him. But it isn't your decision to decide. It is my life now. Not our life. I hope you will respect that. I enjoy talking to you, keeping in touch with you. But our relationship will never be as it once was. I wouldn't want to move back and give you false hope.

I just... I begged you not to take the job. And when you did, I begged you to come home. And then you did come home and I thought that it was finally going to be ok. And you told me you wanted to be separated. You told me how you didn't want to have the guilt hanging over your head of things you might do while gone. You didn't want me to call you anymore. I don't know... but, how did you expect me to react? You think that because half a year later you finally show up and say you made a mistake and that would be it? Everything would be ok? Everything would go back to the way it was? I spent half a year trying to figure out what I did wrong. Finally he came into my life and helped me see that it wasn't me who did wrong. It wasn't my fault.

I've gotten through it. I've moved on. I think its time for you to do it too. Just get the divorce papers taken care of like we talked about. Have a safe drive home.

Love,
Me

Sunday

Dear V,

Its four in the morning right now and I cant sleep. four in the morning on a Saturday and I woke up with all kinds of things running around in my head. My dreams are too intense because my head is so full of things right now. I want to sleep but all I do is think. You probably wont get this for awhile. I'm not going to send it right away. I'm going to sit on it and wait until I see you at your apartment. I'll wait until you've decided if you want to come home or not. I don't want to send this and force you into doing something you feel you only need to do out of pity or guilt.

I already know what you are going to say. Ive known since the day you told me to not stay in town that you wouldn't come back home.

It makes me sad. As much as I cherished the time we had together I wish there could have been more. My feelings these days have been more intense than I have ever felt in my life. I have never been so sure of something in my life. I have never wanted someone to be a part of my life more. So I cant say it doesn't hurt. It hurts far worst than I expected. I have been preparing myself for almost 6 months for this. But now that it has happened, I find myself lost... stumbling around in the dark, all my practice and preparations for this moment..... gone.

I know that, the whole time, I kept promising you the world, and I told you how much I wanted you to be here. And I know you have heard it all before. But just like the day I gave you that solemn vow at the alter, I meant every word. I'm sorry if it seemed desperate, but I am. I knew I only had a small window to convince you to come. I knew that once it came to this, I wouldn't be able to give you the answer you needed. I will have to back off completely. I can't watch you have your life with another man and not be a part of it. I care too much to act like nothing is wrong. You can't have an emotional and social relationship with me and not expect me to tell you I still love you. I can't see you in love with him. I can't stand to see him touch you, to talk to you. It hurts in ways I never knew it could.

I am in a dark place today. My emotions are hard to control when I think about you. The thought of signing divorce papers weighs deeply on my mind. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can give you that. I knew when I walked out I was going to have to eventually, but now that it has come to this, I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep from losing you. After that day at the park that we shared together, I felt, for the first time in so long a place that I belonged in.

You have to understand how much the job affected me. Being away from my family, being a way from my son, being away from you. The hurt inside my heart weighed on me so much., I couldn't take the hotel rooms. I couldn't take those nights without having you with me. I had no choice but to block it all out and the only way to do that was to block you out. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. I couldn't take the loneliness. I couldn't take night after night of missing you. So I did the only thing I knew. I ran away. It was easier to do it without you in my mind. If I just focused on the job. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have told you it was over. It was only going to be for a year. A year separated so I didn't have the guilt, and the heart ache when I needed a night of forgetting the pain.

I knew I shouldn't have taken the job. But a part of me thought you would still be there. A part of me thought you would understand. I didn't like what I became. It was harder for me than you would ever imagine. But If I didn't do it, I wouldn't survive. And my family deserves the best, even if it means I have to sacrifice my own happiness.

Hearing your voice on the other end of the phone was all it took to make my heart break. Make my body shake. Make my hands tremble. I needed you in those moments so much. I needed you to be there for me. But I couldn't be there for you because this is what I had to do to give you the life you deserved. I don't know why I pushed you away. I don't know why I pushed you away., I don't know why I left. Every day I lay awake in bed and ask myself what I was doing. I ask myself why could I be so stupid. I was so tired of missing you. I just wanted it all to stop. I didn't think you would ever find someone else. I didn't think you would love someone else. I expected you to do what I was doing... but to fall in love, this is the worst pain of all. Why don't you love me? Why?

Seeing you again brought back so many feelings. The feelings of longing I felt so long ago. I knew that once I saw you emotions would take control. These feelings would come rushing back. The letters are nice and lovely and I hope they never stop but it doesn't compare to physically being in your presence. They bring a joy to my day. They part the clouds when the sun wont come out. But to be able to reach out and touch you, opens up a world that is too dangerous for me to lurk in. To feel your body against mine. To hear your voice with my ears. It is beyond nerve wrecking.

Our son has grown in leaps and bounds. Having him here fills a hole inside my heart I have been missing since away at work. It fills a hole inside me that I had been trying to fill with drinking and trying to party. I missed him so much. I missed you so much. I missed being a family. It was, for a moment yesterday, like we were whole again. Like we were one again. I missed that so much.

I don't know how to explain how much I regret leaving. I don't know how to say I'm sorry. I don't know what I need to do so that you will forgive me.

You are an adult. I'm not going to beg you day in and day out to come back to me. But I'm just going to plead one last time. We don't have to have a relationship right away. You can live your single life here. If you feel you need to "sow your wild oats" thats fine, just don't expect to sleep with me. I cant be that guy. I can't have you and allow someone else to have you at the same time. But I cant talk to you and know you are out there and not have fear in my heart and thoughts in my mind. I have been loosing sleep over this. It bothers me a lot. I fear if you stay so far away, I will never be free of these emotions that bind me.

Its about 6 now. I'm going to go make some coffee and get out of bed. We are suppose to meet around 8. I hope you say yes. I hope I never have to send this letter. Oh, God, please, don't take her away from me.

**********************************

Right now Its 3 in the afternoon on Sunday. The whole drive home the conversation we had played in my head. Every word in this letter rang out in my mind. I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to pick you up and carry you away. I wanted to cry. But all I could do was walk away. And now I'm home. I debated sending this one. I doubt it will do any good but make you feel guilty. Why should I send it when it is clear to me your mind is made up? I guess a part of me has hope. A part of me hopes that you will realize you still love me and want to be a family again. A part of me wants you to say, “I'm ready to come home now.”

I've asked J to stay there and convince you to come home to me. I told her, "make her come back, I'll do the rest." I hope it works.

Half of me wants to leave right now and drive back down there. Something in my head is telling me not to stop fighting. I just got home and already wish I could see you again. I wish I knew what to do. It's so hard to understand what to say to someone when you can't see them. It's so hard to show you love someone if you can't touch them.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Please, Love,
Me

Monday

Dear L,

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. Every part of my body was numb from sleeping wrong. I must have drank too much water last night because I woke up way to early and had to use the bathroom. And I couldn't find the light switch because my hands were numb. And it was hard to sit still because my legs wouldn't stop tingling as they regained their feeling. And now my head hurts.

The worst part is I woke up confused. I woke up confused and lonely and lost in my own mind. All these things you have been telling me the last few days have been weighing deeply on my heart. Memories of happy times seem to cross my mind more frequently. I enjoy talking to you, but it brings me a sadness that I can't shake. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. I don't know if I can ever bring myself to love you the way I use to. You left me. You left me. YOU left ME.

And I got over it. I got over not having someone there to hold me at night. I got through the sleepless nights when all I could do was stare at the ceiling because the moon shone to brightly. I made it through the nights when the cold air crept under the blanket and I reached out for a warm body next to mine to find the bed empty. I got through the days that dragged on forever. The hours that were filled with thoughts of what you were doing. The minutes that breathed life into my sadness. The seconds that lingered long enough to fill my heart with hurt. I got over losing you.

It took me a long time to trust someone again. It took me a longer time to open my heart again. It took even longer to love again. I don't think I will ever truly love someone the way I thought we loved each other. After your long speech that night about how you didn't believe in love I found that I no longer wanted to believe in love either. Maybe if I didn't believe, then the pain would go away.

J never talked to me about the things you say you asked her to. She said that you weren't really in love with me again, you just felt an obligation to take care of me. I told her I don't need someone to take care of me. I told her I don't need you to take care of me anymore. I told her I learned how to do that myself after you left me. And then I cried. Right there, in the middle of the food court, over a vegetable rice bowl, I cried and didn't stop crying till after she dropped me off back at home.

It just feels like High School again, when we first met. You were always so distant. You were always so far away in another world. I remember looking into your eyes and thinking that you were somewhere else, and not here in the moment with me. But now I am you. I can't be here in the moment with you. You came to me and told me all the things a young girl wanted to hear then, and when I finally gave in and we started dating, you just... pulled away. Why do you keep pulling away? Why do you keep running away?

I don't want to make the mistake again of allowing you to play with my heart. It feels, in a way, you already are. I would like to ask you to come back out here, but I don't know if I should. It hurts to much. It shouldn't hurt like this. I don't want you to be hurt when I tell you I can't do it. I don't want you to feel the pain I feel when I can't face you. I can't promise everything will be ok. There are some things in this world, you are going to find, that you just can't fix.

I have to go back to work. I can't start crying in the middle of the day at a job I just got. People will think I am crazy.

Love,
Me

Wednesday

Dear V,

"We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another."

Robert Frost said - "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." If this is love then I am deeply in love with you. Its been a struggle trying to forget about you when you won't give me a second chance. I don't know what I am suppose to do. I never had someone I couldn't forget. It is a deep longing in my soul that cries out in darkness. My nights are filled with restless sleep. My heart yearns. And all I can do is stare at the ceilings imagining a life with you I may never have.

A worthy love hurts. It is the only way it lets us know how fragile it is. I am not fearful of hurt, but I didn't realize how much it would hurt when I left. I am not fearful of mistakes that I made. Do not worry about my feelings nor my pains in life. Worry that I may sit for the rest of my life wondering if I lost the only one that ever could have mattered.

Pure happiness and love are so rare, so scarce in this wild crazy world, that it is impossible not to feel overwhelmed by them. Every morning when I make my coffee now I think of what you are doing. How long will this last for? How long will I associate coffee with your smile? How long is it going to take me until I can finally give in and give up and say, I tried. When will my heart listen to my mind and leave you be?

"Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life." We give into things as human beings. Learn new things. Poke and prod at we don't know to try and discover. I didn't understand what it was back in High School. I tried to put into the words what I felt. I found that I couldn't. I was so exhilarated by my newfound feelings that I was afraid of destroying it forever. And by doing nothing, I lost what meant the most to me. I had the most painful experiences in my life back then, and yet to this day, I look back upon it as a time that I cherish and wouldn't give up for anything in the world. Garth Brooks said it best, "I could've missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." I wouldn't give up the dance for all the gold and diamonds in the world.

The mere thought of you is all it takes to shape my day. Dreams of adventures, long dances on sandy white beaches, awaking to a bursting sunrise, your hand in mine as we walk down the crowded street of life, are all that enter my mind. I've changed in dramatic ways since speaking to you again. My desire to be a person worthy of your attention fulfills my every need. I want to be someone that you would promise your life to. I want to be worthy. I need to be worthy. "I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you." I made a mistake. I'm sorry.

I don't know why J gave us different stories. I know she doesn't understand how deeply I feel for you. I know she doesn't understand why I never felt that deepness for her. When she told me you brushed me off as if it meant nothing, I couldn't help but feel my heart crush. Do I not deserve a chance to show how I feel? Is everything I do now, going to be defined by what someone else thinks and not by actions that I can control? I told you before that "Pain is certain, Suffering is optional".... well, it is hard not to suffer when you feel the pain over things you never controlled in the first place. Do we live in fear for the rest of our lives, afraid of experiencing true emotions because only then will we discover true pain? That is not a life I feel worth living. One day at a time, one step every day. Experience all that it has to give and if the time ever comes for us to part ways, I know I will be grateful for every moment I was given. Love isn't defined by the mistakes we make. Love is defined despite them. Don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid it may never begin.

I have a car ready to go. I am waiting for you to give me a second chance. We deserve to be loved deeply and truly. Our feelings deserve the chance to see things for themselves.

"To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed."

Love,
Me

Thursday

Dear L,

Your words are so beautiful, I don't even know what to say. I am sitting here at work and all I can do is think about what you are doing and how you are feeling. I can't even think of words to write. All I know is I deserve the best. I deserve someone who is not going to play around with my emotions, one who will love me and no one else. Right now I don't know if I can trust you. I do not know what I want. I have two choices in front of me. I fear that I will look back on this one day and think, that is where it all went wrong. Right there, I went right when I should have went left. I can see it, but I am choosing to ignore it. I don't know why, J tries to analyze me with her psychology, but I don't know. Maybe I have more problems then I realize. I have a lot to do today, and a lot on my mind. I will write you when I get some free time. I have things I need to say before you come down. He has been there for me when you weren't. Don't leave till we talk.

Love,
Me

Friday

Dear V,

I'm coming down to see you today. I hope to be there when you get off work. I already have the hotel set up and the reservation for the car rental so that we have a comfortable ride back home. It is going to be a long drive! Haha. I can't wait to see you. Have you told him that we are going to try and work things out? He is probably going to cry.

Love,
Me

Friday

Dear L,


I love him. I'm sorry. You had your chance. I can't see you.



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