Dear L,
I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. Every part of my body was numb from sleeping wrong. I must have drank too much water last night because I woke up way to early and had to use the bathroom. And I couldn't find the light switch because my hands were numb. And it was hard to sit still because my legs wouldn't stop tingling as they regained their feeling. And now my head hurts.
The worst part is I woke up confused. I woke up confused and lonely and lost in my own mind. All these things you have been telling me the last few days have been weighing deeply on my heart. Memories of happy times seem to cross my mind more frequently. I enjoy talking to you, but it brings me a sadness that I can't shake. I don't know if I can ever trust you again. I don't know if I can ever bring myself to love you the way I use to. You left me. You left me. YOU left ME.
And I got over it. I got over not having someone there to hold me at night. I got through the sleepless nights when all I could do was stare at the ceiling because the moon shone to brightly. I made it through the nights when the cold air crept under the blanket and I reached out for a warm body next to mine to find the bed empty. I got through the days that dragged on forever. The hours that were filled with thoughts of what you were doing. The minutes that breathed life into my sadness. The seconds that lingered long enough to fill my heart with hurt. I got over losing you.
It took me a long time to trust someone again. It took me a longer time to open my heart again. It took even longer to love again. I don't think I will ever truly love someone the way I thought we loved each other. After your long speech that night about how you didn't believe in love I found that I no longer wanted to believe in love either. Maybe if I didn't believe, then the pain would go away.
J never talked to me about the things you say you asked her to. She said that you weren't really in love with me again, you just felt an obligation to take care of me. I told her I don't need someone to take care of me. I told her I don't need you to take care of me anymore. I told her I learned how to do that myself after you left me. And then I cried. Right there, in the middle of the food court, over a vegetable rice bowl, I cried and didn't stop crying till after she dropped me off back at home.
It just feels like High School again, when we first met. You were always so distant. You were always so far away in another world. I remember looking into your eyes and thinking that you were somewhere else, and not here in the moment with me. But now I am you. I can't be here in the moment with you. You came to me and told me all the things a young girl wanted to hear then, and when I finally gave in and we started dating, you just... pulled away. Why do you keep pulling away? Why do you keep running away?
I don't want to make the mistake again of allowing you to play with my heart. It feels, in a way, you already are. I would like to ask you to come back out here, but I don't know if I should. It hurts to much. It shouldn't hurt like this. I don't want you to be hurt when I tell you I can't do it. I don't want you to feel the pain I feel when I can't face you. I can't promise everything will be ok. There are some things in this world, you are going to find, that you just can't fix.
I have to go back to work. I can't start crying in the middle of the day at a job I just got. People will think I am crazy.
Love,
Me
