Its four in the morning right now and I cant sleep. four in the morning on a Saturday and I woke up with all kinds of things running around in my head. My dreams are too intense because my head is so full of things right now. I want to sleep but all I do is think. You probably wont get this for awhile. I'm not going to send it right away. I'm going to sit on it and wait until I see you at your apartment. I'll wait until you've decided if you want to come home or not. I don't want to send this and force you into doing something you feel you only need to do out of pity or guilt.
I already know what you are going to say. Ive known since the day you told me to not stay in town that you wouldn't come back home.
It makes me sad. As much as I cherished the time we had together I wish there could have been more. My feelings these days have been more intense than I have ever felt in my life. I have never been so sure of something in my life. I have never wanted someone to be a part of my life more. So I cant say it doesn't hurt. It hurts far worst than I expected. I have been preparing myself for almost 6 months for this. But now that it has happened, I find myself lost... stumbling around in the dark, all my practice and preparations for this moment..... gone.
I know that, the whole time, I kept promising you the world, and I told you how much I wanted you to be here. And I know you have heard it all before. But just like the day I gave you that solemn vow at the alter, I meant every word. I'm sorry if it seemed desperate, but I am. I knew I only had a small window to convince you to come. I knew that once it came to this, I wouldn't be able to give you the answer you needed. I will have to back off completely. I can't watch you have your life with another man and not be a part of it. I care too much to act like nothing is wrong. You can't have an emotional and social relationship with me and not expect me to tell you I still love you. I can't see you in love with him. I can't stand to see him touch you, to talk to you. It hurts in ways I never knew it could.
I am in a dark place today. My emotions are hard to control when I think about you. The thought of signing divorce papers weighs deeply on my mind. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can give you that. I knew when I walked out I was going to have to eventually, but now that it has come to this, I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep from losing you. After that day at the park that we shared together, I felt, for the first time in so long a place that I belonged in.
You have to understand how much the job affected me. Being away from my family, being a way from my son, being away from you. The hurt inside my heart weighed on me so much., I couldn't take the hotel rooms. I couldn't take those nights without having you with me. I had no choice but to block it all out and the only way to do that was to block you out. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. I couldn't take the loneliness. I couldn't take night after night of missing you. So I did the only thing I knew. I ran away. It was easier to do it without you in my mind. If I just focused on the job. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have told you it was over. It was only going to be for a year. A year separated so I didn't have the guilt, and the heart ache when I needed a night of forgetting the pain.
I knew I shouldn't have taken the job. But a part of me thought you would still be there. A part of me thought you would understand. I didn't like what I became. It was harder for me than you would ever imagine. But If I didn't do it, I wouldn't survive. And my family deserves the best, even if it means I have to sacrifice my own happiness.
Hearing your voice on the other end of the phone was all it took to make my heart break. Make my body shake. Make my hands tremble. I needed you in those moments so much. I needed you to be there for me. But I couldn't be there for you because this is what I had to do to give you the life you deserved. I don't know why I pushed you away. I don't know why I pushed you away., I don't know why I left. Every day I lay awake in bed and ask myself what I was doing. I ask myself why could I be so stupid. I was so tired of missing you. I just wanted it all to stop. I didn't think you would ever find someone else. I didn't think you would love someone else. I expected you to do what I was doing... but to fall in love, this is the worst pain of all. Why don't you love me? Why?
Seeing you again brought back so many feelings. The feelings of longing I felt so long ago. I knew that once I saw you emotions would take control. These feelings would come rushing back. The letters are nice and lovely and I hope they never stop but it doesn't compare to physically being in your presence. They bring a joy to my day. They part the clouds when the sun wont come out. But to be able to reach out and touch you, opens up a world that is too dangerous for me to lurk in. To feel your body against mine. To hear your voice with my ears. It is beyond nerve wrecking.
Our son has grown in leaps and bounds. Having him here fills a hole inside my heart I have been missing since away at work. It fills a hole inside me that I had been trying to fill with drinking and trying to party. I missed him so much. I missed you so much. I missed being a family. It was, for a moment yesterday, like we were whole again. Like we were one again. I missed that so much.
I don't know how to explain how much I regret leaving. I don't know how to say I'm sorry. I don't know what I need to do so that you will forgive me.
You are an adult. I'm not going to beg you day in and day out to come back to me. But I'm just going to plead one last time. We don't have to have a relationship right away. You can live your single life here. If you feel you need to "sow your wild oats" thats fine, just don't expect to sleep with me. I cant be that guy. I can't have you and allow someone else to have you at the same time. But I cant talk to you and know you are out there and not have fear in my heart and thoughts in my mind. I have been loosing sleep over this. It bothers me a lot. I fear if you stay so far away, I will never be free of these emotions that bind me.
Its about 6 now. I'm going to go make some coffee and get out of bed. We are suppose to meet around 8. I hope you say yes. I hope I never have to send this letter. Oh, God, please, don't take her away from me.
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Right now Its 3 in the afternoon on Sunday. The whole drive home the conversation we had played in my head. Every word in this letter rang out in my mind. I wanted to scream at you. I wanted to pick you up and carry you away. I wanted to cry. But all I could do was walk away. And now I'm home. I debated sending this one. I doubt it will do any good but make you feel guilty. Why should I send it when it is clear to me your mind is made up? I guess a part of me has hope. A part of me hopes that you will realize you still love me and want to be a family again. A part of me wants you to say, “I'm ready to come home now.”
I've asked J to stay there and convince you to come home to me. I told her, "make her come back, I'll do the rest." I hope it works.
Half of me wants to leave right now and drive back down there. Something in my head is telling me not to stop fighting. I just got home and already wish I could see you again. I wish I knew what to do. It's so hard to understand what to say to someone when you can't see them. It's so hard to show you love someone if you can't touch them.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Please, Love,
Me
