So I've been in a dark place all day today. It's a place I haven't been to since high school. A place I had been in when I had decided to take that road trip alone a few years back. Its a lonely place. Because no one can let you out except yourself. And all it takes is a little help, a little booster, but all I have is the desire to self destruct.
There's a scene in fight club when after Edward Norton finishes beating the shit out of Jared Leto, brad pitt asks him, "where'd you go psycho boy?"
and Norton says, "I wanted to destroy something beautiful.".....
Yeah, its kind of like that. There's a song in there that is haunting and repetitive called "where's my mind" by the pixies. Its short of like that.
I don't like showing this side of me to you. But I need to get it out or it will consume me inside. Some days I can't bear to talk to you because you might mention him. I have grown so sick and tired of listening to you talk about him. When will it ever end. He doesn't love you the way I do. He never will.
I just didn't expect what happened yesterday. We were together 10 years. We were happy for at least 8 of those years, right? I held you, I loved you, I told you my secrets and you told me yours. And now you have known him for merely months, and it sounds as if you have forgotten me and everything I am. What are you doing to me? What did I do to deserve this torture? Do you really compare your feelings for him to the love we shared? How can you? I feel at times, I no longer know who you are.
I've made my apologies for my mistakes. But I didn't expect you to be so blatant about your feelings for another person. I explained to you that I can't move out there. I miss you in ways I cannot began to explain and I will visit sometimes but I have too much here. The house, my business, my families business, my property, my whole family. I need you to come home to me. I need to have you in my arms. The dark place goes away when I think of you here. It makes me smile and happy again. It makes me want to erase everything I wrote here and just leave you a simple note on how much my heart aches for you: "Morning without you, is dwindled dawn."
I thought I could come out on Friday, but now, I don't think I should. I don't think I can. Seeing you with him would be too much. The feelings of rage inside me are too much to control. I can't go through that pain. I can't do it. I think it is best if I just stay home. Maybe we can see each other some other time. I'm sorry. Tell my son I love him. Tell him I am sorry.
Love,
Me
