Dear L,
I am glad that you decided to drive out here for Friday. It will be good for all of us to get together and be a family again, even if it is only for a few hours.
I'm listening to a band called "the tiny" right now. It is a female vocalist. Their music is haunting. really minimal and dark. Heres some lyrics,
"Now I'm thinking maybe I was stoned
I felt my feet lift off the ground
And my heart was screaming
And my bones
I need you closer
As he's in the middle of the street
Then I pretend he's mine to keep
Cars are running fast on both sides of his head
His eyes are "closer"
Closer closer
I met him when the sun was down
The bar was closed
We both have had no sleep
My face beneath the street lamp
It reviews what it is
lonely people seek
Closer closer
Closer closer
Then you're close enough to lose
Close to the point where you know that your mind
It cannot choose
Close enough to lose
Close enough to lose
Your heart
Now I'm thinking maybe I was stoned
I felt my feet lift off the ground
And my heart was screaming
And my bones
I need you closer
Closer closer
He met me when the sun was down
The bar was closed
We both have had no sleep
My face beneath the street lamp
It reviews what it is
lonely people seek
Closer closer
Closer closer
Then you're close enough to lose
Close to the point where you know that your mind it cannot
Choose
Close enough to lose
Close enough to lose
Your heart"
It's pretty isn't it? I heard this voice coming from this girls walkman while sitting at Starbucks the other day. I found myself moving closer to her so I can listen more. Eventually I asked her for the name and as soon as she told me I went to the nearest cd store to find it. Of course they didn't have it. I was late for work because I had to go to three other stores and finally found it in some tiny little place where the cashiers are all snobby and holier than thou.
I find, I am of all things, close enough to loose. I'd like to choose but what do we do. The mind stumbles and the heart continues on. Beating. My words stumble upon the pages like thoughts upon your day. I let you go. I had hoped you would realize how much you missed me. I told myself I wouldn't wait for you. I told myself I wouldn't love you ever again.
Theres this line in "Sex and the City" that has stuck with me for a long time... when the leading lady is alone, and she says, "the loneliness is palpable". I understand that now. It hurts in ways I never thought it would. I am, besides everything else, in a lonely state of mind. I wish I had someone to call my own. Perhaps this is the reason why I see him. The reason why I struggle with my love for him. He is there for me in ways that you never were.
Maybe I'll wake up early and watch the sun rise tomorrow. Maybe I'll think of things that could have been. Maybe I'll imagine things that could be.
Love,
Me
